I of the Never Never

Yes, that's right i am a diver, officially, at least according to SSI. That's Scuba Schools International for those of y'all not in the know. Of course you have heard of PADI but i got duped into going with the lesser known SSI. It was super and i don't think it makes a difference; i have just heard they are more lax in their certification. Good for me because i am scared of the underwater abyss. Right Matt?

Anyway Jon and i signed up for this course so we could become pro divers in the same vein as Steve Zissou. To don all that equipment would certainly be a sight to behold. And with great and strange beings such as the fluorescent snapper, crayon sea horse, and the beautiful and deadly Jaguar Shark who wouldn't want to explore this underwater playground. Alas, i saw none of these famed creatures and was resigned to be happy with sea turtles, giant clams, trigger fish, lion fish, anemone, and even a few Nemos. But i get ahead of myself.

The first day of class after returning from quite a rain forest adventure brought with it adventure in its own right, no matter that it was confined to a classroom and non-heated pool. We watched several educational videos on equipment and all the various ways to die below water if you weren't careful. Quite interesting but i came to see the Great Barrier Reef and a few White Tip Sharks (which never happened mind you). So the first two days i was buddied up with Claudia a very nice German girl who was either a) shy b) didn't know English well c) didn't like me or d) all of the above. I personally think it was c but that will remain a mystery. We did exercises such as sharing air, switching masks, doing somersaults, emergency ascents, and equalizing our ears. I miserably failed this last one and still can't hear out of my left ear. Some of you may be well aware that a few summers back i ruptured that very ear near Lincolnton, GA and again a few months or a year later at Hartwell, SC. Yes, that ear will plague me the rest of my life whether searching for new underwater life or flying the friendly skies with Delta.

After the second day and more homework than i would have liked, i passed the written exam. All that was to be done now was to tame the great sea before me. I made it my bitch.

Aboard the MV Kangaroo Explorer, where i was to spend the next 2 days, I was suddenly struck with nervousness and excitement of being underwater in a new environ. I got assigned to live with Renaldo, the onboard "video guy" as it exclaimed on his shirt. He was alright but made himself scarce. The pointy ear studs were my only worry. That and the fact that he didn't need a mask to dive. If this is ever the case you should immediately regard the offending person as a freak and go on about your business trying to ignore them as long as possible. Our first dive went well and we stayed under about 25 min at a depth of 11m (all this information is contained in my SSI Dive Log for further inspection upon request). The second dive went well and i have to say that a size 4 wetsuit does not fit me very well. A bit tight and i was fooled into thinking that wetsuits were the new look for the season. That old trick of peeing in the wetsuit does, however, work. Second dive went well and Claudia and I were having a fantastic time. Her ears didn't work so well either and we had very slow descents. At some points a felt light headed and dizzy but had to press through in search of the Jaguar Shark and revenge that lay in my hands.

After a delicious dinner of red slop on rice i decided that i would be daring enough to do a night dive without even being certified. Yes, it was amazing and illegal but i loved it. Saw my first giant clam, trumpetfish, and parrot fish being eaten by a red snapper. That sly SOB used our underwater torches (English for flashlight) to guide him to his prey. David my Frenchie dive partner and assistant teacher shined it on the offended parrot fish who was resting his eyes in his mucus membrane. One minute sweet dreams, the next a struggle for life. I felt horrible but it was the most exciting part of the dive. The other group saw sharks though. Wah.

Yeah next day we did a dive at dawn and a certification dive at 8 which got a little crazy. We did the mask switch underwater, had a dance competition, made signs for the camera, and played (some erotically) with the sea cucumbers. We were all certified and our next dive we would be alone with our buddy within Mother Oceania's womb. This dive was great. C and I planned our dive route and figured we would have nearly 40 min underwater if everything went right. We were to swim counterclockwise around the bomme on port then to the wall off the bow and sweep inside the bomme off starboard. Hoping to see amazing things. All went according to plan (and my amazing sense of direction) and we made it around the first and over to the wall. From there we started swimming and not finding the other bomme turned back. Luckily we did and got to touch a turtle. We saw giant trigger fish, an eel, the biggest clam in the world, the biggest anemone in the world, and 4 turtles. Sweet as.

We made it back to base and congratulated ourselves on a successful first dive. All precautions heeded and equipment passed without fail. This underwater environment is amazing and i hope to get back ASAP. Wish you guys could have been there to share the almost surreal experience. Once you get comfortable down there you realize you now have more than twice as much of Earth's surface to explore. Hope you are all well wherever you may be. Live long and prosper.